Have you ever had a moment alone with yourself where you’ve doubted who you are? What do you do when you admit that you’re not you, and you’ve been lying to yourself this whole time?
A really huge part of me is being sure of what I am and staying true to myself always. Like I can fool a great number of people but when I’m alone the mask comes off. At the end of the day I only listen to myself and to my own choices. But what happens if you’ve lost sight of who you are? How do you deal with realizing you’re not the same person anymore and you’re not really fond of what you’ve become? I’ve lost sight of what I’m supposed to be, or at least which direction I’m headed, and I see nothing. I honestly see nothing. It sounds almost cliche, but I don’t really know who I am at this point. I just feel lost. So completely lost.
A little background – for the past few months, things have gotten real; the goal was to graduate by March next year. But there’s still so much work and requirements to get done by October (two months from now) that it’s almost impossible for me to reach that goal. I know this is no time to slack, and the pressure is coming to me so, so bad, but because my heart and mind and energy aren’t into it, I think things are falling apart at the seams once again.
I was doing so well at the beginning. I had my mind set on the deadlines, I bought a planner and kept a schedule of every appointment, I was eager to work in the clinic and just do as much as I can everyday. And then shit rained down left and right that I just tried to get away from it all. I drowned my problems with alcohol (but we all know that never works out), stayed up later than usual to be with friends, went to school fazed and just not prepared at all and that just killed me. I began missing one day a week, and then two, three, four until I would just stop showing up at the clinic completely. I down spiraled really, really fast and now I just can’t bring myself back up to shape again. What the hell’s wrong with me?
You know how when you’re a kid everything comes easy? And now that you’re *supposedly* an adult, you’re expected not to think that way anymore? So the minute shit gets real, you can’t just cry in the corner and ask your mommy or daddy to make things better or stomp around the house all day until they give you what you want. I’m still that little baby who cries in the corner and waits for someone to make it all go away. Even when I know there is nobody who will just make it all go away. I’m still that little girl who thinks if I can just stomp my feet all day and not do anything that things will eventually work my way, even if I know that shit’s never gonna happen today.
Right now, I can’t afford to be a fucking crybaby. The more I ignore my problems, the worse my decisions become, the more I lose parts of myself. And I’m not just talking about problems in school or academics but also my personal life. I feel like so much has been going on that I haven’t given myself enough time to pause and think, why am I letting this happen? Why do I allow stuff like this to take control of me?
Everything that’s been going on around me is just too much noise. Especially now that I’m just bombarded with all these stuff on social media, stuff you hear about on the news, friends, family, new interests, new hobbies. There’s just too many distractions your girl can handle before she realizes she can’t think straight. I need to put all that away and just focus.
That’s the thing, like, I don’t even know what to do, where to start, how to start. Should I change my perspective, reflect on what’s been happening, shift my focus, like I don’t even know what I should be focusing on. Is this a matter of mind or a matter of heart? What do I even want at this point? I really have no fucking clue. Right now, I don’t have a plan and I feel like I don’t even have a future.
All I know is that I’m supposed to be better than this hot mess. This lost, little bitch ain’t me. I am not going to allow myself to keep being this person. I absolutely hate this version of myself and I just can’t wait to get over this stupid phase. I can do better and I will get better, but I need to get to the bottom of my issues first and figure out what’s really bothering me so I can move forward. The number of times I have literally done this just makes me want to cry again because it feels like I haven’t learned so much from all my past *pauses* but, I’m not passing up on this chance. I can’t give up on myself like that. I just can’t.
P.S. I really do wish I had some ice cold beer and someone to converse with about all this. I feel like if I did, I wouldn’t need to write this all down… maybe next time get me a drink and a person and you won’t have to read about this this shit ever again, LOL.