Beer talk

Have you ever had a moment alone with yourself where you’ve doubted who you are? What do you do when you admit that you’re not you, and you’ve been lying to yourself this whole time?

A really huge part of me is being sure of what I am and staying true to myself always. Like I can fool a great number of people but when I’m alone the mask comes off. At the end of the day I only listen to myself and to my own choices. But what happens if you’ve lost sight of who you are? How do you deal with realizing you’re not the same person anymore and you’re not really fond of what you’ve become? I’ve lost sight of what I’m supposed to be, or at least which direction I’m headed, and I see nothing. I honestly see nothing. It sounds almost cliche, but I don’t really know who I am at this point. I just feel lost. So completely lost.

A little background – for the past few months, things have gotten real; the goal was to graduate by March next year. But there’s still so much work and requirements to get done by October (two months from now) that it’s almost impossible for me to reach that goal. I know this is no time to slack, and the pressure is coming to me so, so bad, but because my heart and mind and energy aren’t into it, I think things are falling apart at the seams once again.

I was doing so well at the beginning. I had my mind set on the deadlines, I bought a planner and kept a schedule of every appointment, I was eager to work in the clinic and just do as much as I can everyday. And then shit rained down left and right that I just tried to get away from it all. I drowned my problems with alcohol (but we all know that never works out), stayed up later than usual to be with friends, went to school fazed and just not prepared at all and that just killed me. I began missing one day a week, and then two, three, four until I would just stop showing up at the clinic completely. I down spiraled really, really fast and now I just can’t bring myself back up to shape again. What the hell’s wrong with me?

You know how when you’re a kid everything comes easy? And now that you’re *supposedly* an adult, you’re expected not to think that way anymore? So the minute shit gets real, you can’t just cry in the corner and ask your mommy or daddy to make things better or stomp around the house all day until they give you what you want. I’m still that little baby who cries in the corner and waits for someone to make it all go away. Even when I know there is nobody who will just make it all go away. I’m still that little girl who thinks if I can just stomp my feet all day and not do anything that things will eventually work my way, even if I know that shit’s never gonna happen today.

Right now, I can’t afford to be a fucking crybaby. The more I ignore my problems, the worse my decisions become, the more I lose parts of myself. And I’m not just talking about problems in school or academics but also my personal life. I feel like so much has been going on that I haven’t given myself enough time to pause and think, why am I letting this happen? Why do I allow stuff like this to take control of me?

Everything that’s been going on around me is just too much noise. Especially now that I’m just bombarded with all these stuff on social media, stuff you hear about on the news, friends, family, new interests, new hobbies. There’s just too many distractions your girl can handle before she realizes she can’t think straight. I need to put all that away and just focus.

That’s the thing, like, I don’t even know what to do, where to start, how to start. Should I change my perspective, reflect on what’s been happening, shift my focus, like I don’t even know what I should be focusing on. Is this a matter of mind or a matter of heart? What do I even want at this point? I really have no fucking clue. Right now, I don’t have a plan and I feel like I don’t even have a future.

All I know is that I’m supposed to be better than this hot mess. This lost, little bitch ain’t me. I am not going to allow myself to keep being this person. I absolutely hate this version of myself and I just can’t wait to get over this stupid phase. I can do better and I will get better, but I need to get to the bottom of my issues first and figure out what’s really bothering me so I can move forward. The number of times I have literally done this just makes me want to cry again because it feels like I haven’t learned so much from all my past *pauses* but, I’m not passing up on this chance. I can’t give up on myself like that. I just can’t.

 

P.S. I really do wish I had some ice cold beer and someone to converse with about all this. I feel like if I did, I wouldn’t need to write this all down… maybe next time get me a drink and a person and you won’t have to read about this this shit ever again, LOL.

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Crae

  1. Do you like me?
  2. Do I make you happy?
  3. Do you think I’m pretty?

I know it drives you nuts when I ask you such questions. Your answer never changes, but most of the time I still need to hear it. Yes.

Thank you for never getting tired of banishing my insecurities and for putting up with me through all my mood swings. (They aren’t ending anytime soon though.)

Thank you for listening to my rants and for telling me to toughen up at times I feel like I’m being bullied. Thank you for being there for me always, even if your ways of cheering me up aren’t exactly conventional. Thank you for throwing me great birthday parties, and for kissing me before throwing the first egg on my head. Thank you for teaching me to appreciate sports and for attempting to get me involved in them too (although sadly, you failed).

Thank you for pushing me to work hard in school, for giving me the confidence that I need so badly in the clinic, and for sometimes getting mad at me when I don’t show up with patients or procedures during clinic days. Thank you for helping me find my clipboard that one time I lost it, even though I know how much it pissed you off because it cut off your precious sleeping time. Thank you for trusting me to do oral prophylaxis on you, even though it was totally cheesy and you wouldn’t admit that you secretly liked it.

Thank you for being the craziest, dumbest, motherfvcking stuntman I’ve ever seen drunk, for attempting the stupidest things and for telling the corniest jokes. Thank you for not caring when you look like a fool as long as you see everyone laughing and having a good time. Thank you for teaching me not to take life too seriously, and to have fun once in a while.

Thank you for coming with me to all my travel adventures. Thank you for never allowing us both to have dull moments, and for always making every adventure count. Thank you for treating everyone the same, regardless of societal class, religion, race or opinion. Thank you for teaching me how to be kind, respectful, honest and true.

Thank you for showing me how important blood is to you. Thank you for introducing me to Khalel and to the rest of your family. Thank you for not being afraid to show me who you truly are, and for not keeping secrets from me (as well as keeping those that I don’t really need to know).

Thank you for making me love every little and big thing about you, the good, the ugly, and the non-negotiable parts of you. Thank you for letting me know you, and for being patient enough to let me adjust to you. Thank you for not giving up on me even when I give you the hardest time. Thank you for pointing out my flaws, and for choosing to stay despite all of them. Thank you for letting me grow – literally and figuratively – and for allowing me the time and space whenever I need to be alone.

Thank you for loving me, even when I’m least likable, when I leave you feeling any less than happy, and especially when I’m not pretty. There is so much more I want to thank you for, some I haven’t thought of just yet, but I’ll save them for your next birthday. Hehehe. Know that I am hopelessly, irrevocably, mind-baffling-ly in love with you, no matter the circumstance. You will always have me. Happy birthday, Khalid!

Yes this is a birthday thing because I’m broke and don’t have an amazing party to gift you with 😦 sorry! I’ll bawi next time. You know I will. Graduate na tayo, hon, please. Love you!

Baguio 2016

So while I was gathering photos for my “island hopping” post a while back, I saw these pictures from my Baguio trip with my girls and realized I had wanted to blog about that experience too. But I was busy at the time with school and then summer came and I had to enroll and so on and so forth and so here we are now.. After, let’s see… two months and a few more days of procrastinating, I’m posting about our all girls’ trip to Baguio!

This was kind of like, my pre-birthday celebration and an actual birthday treat from my two best friends since elementary, you guys! Our friendship has stood the test of time. Truth. Anyway, in light of what just recently happened with my dad and what we dealt with as a family, my friends wanted to cheer me up somehow, and honestly, they needed the getaway themselves too. They were so desperate to go on this trip with me, they even went halfsies on my bus fare and other expenses (sorry loves, I’m a high-maintenance friend)! Anyway, I had the best time of my life while in Baguio. This will be a long post. Hehe. Stay for the pictures though!

Day One

We went on the day of the Panagbenga Festival. Our original plan was to see the float parade, so we arrived at around 4am. However, when Sarah fetched us and showed us her house, the thought of laying in bed enticed us more than waking up early to watch the parade. We figured we would see the floats in Burnham Park or this football field in the afternoon, so we slept. (Spoiler: It rained, so we didn’t get to see them at all)

Our first stop was this place Beth found on the internet called Raduno Cafe. I would describe it as a board game-themed cafe. Beth picked the board game and it was actually a card game called LOVE LETTER. It was a little confusing to learn at first but once we got the hang of it we all got fiercely competitive that we were arguing and laughing at how ridiculous this game was making us. Anyway, the food was also great. I remember that the burger tasted really organic, but it was delicious. And we loved how the smores looked. What can I say, food is our entertainment. Hahaha.

We met up my bby grl Abby and went to another place called Camping Date.. It was.. okay. We didn’t have as much fun as in Raduno, but.. camping! In tents! It was okay. Hahaha. Our beautiful Ate Maet also joined us at the place, and then after, she brought us to yet another restaurant called Zio. Ughhhh, I still dream about their Quatro Formaggi to this day! It’s SO GOOD, I would come back to Baguio just for it. LOL. Oh, and that cute boy is Sarah’s little brother, EJ. He’s so binata na since the last time I saw him! Awww, why do kids grow up so fast :((

Day Two

Since we didn’t get to see the floats on the day of the Panagbenga Festival, we took our chance to view them in “that field” (sorry, I’m really forgetful with names!). Well, we didn’t. Since it rained, they were moved somewhere indoors and I think the companies took their own floats so we wouldn’t be able to see them all in one place. So instead we marched our way to Burnham Park and got our tourist on. Hehe. I had a picture taken with sunflowers behind me. How basic tourist am I?

Ate Maet then picked us up and drove us to the mountaintop to visit Cafe in the Sky. We were excited to have another photoshoot there. But fate would not have it because the cafe was closed and off-limits to visitors. Boooo! Good thing we had a Plan B and headed to Arca’s Yard. Now this… this place was special. It’s a quaint looking cafe situated also on a mountaintop with the perfect Baguio view. It honestly felt like a home with bookshelves lining the walls, wooden utensils made purely decorative, bedrooms turned into reading nooks and dining room. The setup was perfect for us who loved our peace and quiet. Plus they have free wifi and you can stay as long as you want! Well.. as long as it’s still open. Haha. Their menu was also a treat, seriously, one serving of pasta is enough for two to three people. And the taste! No scrimping on flavor. Super sulit. PESTO CARBONARA PASTA = bomb! Okay, enough about the food! Um. We had an awesome time having the place all to ourselves so we could laugh and daldal to our heart’s content.

We then met up with the Soque twins who we haven’t seen since forever!!! (Mga 9 years lang naman, teh) Chris is now a registered pharmacist and Papa John is studying to be a nurse! Yaaaay, may ka-batch akong estudyante parin! Hahaha. It was SO GOOD to see them because they never show up when we’re in Baguio (medyo anti-social sila nung araw) but like Chris says, blessing ito na nagkita-kita uli tayo. In fairness, naging mini-reunion nga namin. 5 out of what 40 batchmates? Not so bad. LOL. We had dinner at Good Taste and then chilled at was it.. Klatsch? Coffee? Klutsch Cafe? Okay after googling it now I remember… KaffeeKlatsch. Hehe. It’s basically a coffeeshop where you can open mic and just chill. Not recommended for people who want peace and quiet cause this place is crowded! Or at least feels like it because the ceilings on the second floor are too low and the lighting is dim so, basta. Nice place to chill and hangout with friends. Not a good place for a date. Haha.

Then, it was time for us to go home 😦 Abby, John, Chris, and Ate Maet dropped us off at terminal and we all bid our sad/happy goodbyes. We were determined to see each other again whether it was back in Baguio or here in Manila. Ayun. Ang saya lang. I really love Baguio because it feels like home (Bahrain). Maybe it’s because most of the graduates from PSB move to Baguio because of the weather and the simple, quiet lifestyle. So whenever we go up and see our former classmates and neighbors, it’s like we never left Bahrain. Sarap. So different from Manila talaga. Anyway, thanks for reading on to the end. This is the end. Hahaha.

Carabao shit

 

When my brother and I were little, my mom loved telling us that we came from carabao shit (tae ng kalabaw). Of course, it was a joke, but as kids we actually thought this was true. My dad would ride along with it, and he would show us pictures of carabaos in books and it would make us cry. My mom would crack up so hard and it would make us cry even louder.

Growing up, I learned that my dad was really strict. I would always argue with my mom, sometimes even to the point that I was just being plain rude, but I would never attempt to do anything remotely close to that with my dad. His word was THE LAW. No meant no. If you wanted to go out and he says no, you better stay put and don’t even try to sneak out. If you wanted to buy a toy but he says no, you better not make a huge fuss out of it or you’re in for some big trouble. We would get the most painful ass-kicking from him for the tiniest things. You didn’t finish what was on your plate? Palo. Fighting with your little brother even if it was his fault? Palo. Staying up late? Palo. Answering back? Palo. Taking coins out of my pants pocket again? Palo.

These punishments weren’t just getting grounded, or standing in the corner, or gentle spanking by the hand. This was the force of the classic, leather belt. One with a really thick metal buckle and looked like the sinturon ni Hudas. We would hide strips of cardboard over our butts inside our trousers to try and minimize the pain. We would try to get out of the spankings by asking for only one or just two. But every time we would try to reason with him or escape the punishments, they’d get even worse, and much, much more painful. And then one day the punishments stopped. I was probably around 10 and my brother 8. THANK GOD. But even though they were no more, we still told him whenever we’ve done something wrong just in case we needed to get out of The Mighty Leather Belt’s wrath.

Despite my father’s harsh authority, he loved us very dearly. He made sure we knew that. He would take us to the mall and our favorite fast food restaurants, he would get us our favorite stuff (provided we didn’t ask for them), he allowed us to go out with our friends and sometimes even drive us to their houses, he took over our school projects when we couldn’t finish them before bedtime. He coached me in all of my commencement speeches, as well as in my essay writing contests and toastmaster toasts (lol). You could always count on him to be there during the most important moments of my life, up until I graduated from high school and he and my mom decided to send me here for college.

And then, the rides stopped. I had to rely on public transportation to get to places. The free meals stopped. I had to pay for my own food, buy my own food, cook my own food. The “going to bed early” stopped. I had to finish my projects on my own because I was a grownup and I had to learn how to do things without anyone’s help. The guilt stopped. Without him and my mom here, I forgot what it was like to feel guilty every time I did something wrong. I don’t blame them for that, I did stupid things that I regret but it says nothing about the way I was brought up. Oftentimes, people blame the parents when their children do something wrong. Well, I’m here to say that hey, we kids make our own mistakes, that’s how we learn from them.

Every year since I moved here I would go back to Bahrain to spend Christmas and New Year with the family. My dad always asked me about my studies. He knew I was struggling. I would tell him how hard my classes were, how my professors were giving me such a difficult time, how my marks were failing, but he didn’t care. At least to me, he didn’t seem to care. He would tell me to ignore the problems and to just keep going. Sayang ang pera. They were spending all this money just for me to finish my degree. And I understood. For a while. But then there came a time in my academic life where I had absolutely no clue what the fuck I was doing in my course. I didn’t want to be a dentist, my grades sucked, I was just so downright miserable to the point where I hated my course and everything that had to do with it, and I hated my father for making me take it.

So on one of my trips back home, I decided to tell my parents that I wanted to shift. I wanted to take a different course (which I hadn’t yet decided on) but I was so desperate to get out I didn’t care what else I take up. But the thought of confronting my dad terrified me. I knew he was going to be SO MAD, he might even just decide to make me stop. So I went to my mom first, thinking that if I told her first and then she told my dad, that would soften the blow (on my punishment). So I told her everything and she just looked at me like, “wtf are you stupid? You are not getting out of this!” She went hysterical, but I already expected that.

And then my dad walked into the room, and the guilt kicked in. I looked back on all those times my father would proudly tell my uncles and aunts and cousins and friends of friends that he would have a dentist daughter someday. I remembered all the sacrifices he made just to get me to where I was now. I remembered all the times when I would tell him I never liked my course, and he would always get so frustrated with me because I wouldn’t give it a chance, and despite all his encouragements I was still pretty much hostile to the course… and I hated myself. I hated myself for what I was about to make my father go through. But I had to, because *it’s not my passion*. And in that moment I felt like I was that little girl again, confessing to my dad what I did wrong. That I made a mistake. But this time, I wasn’t saying “just one palo, please”. I was asking him for “no palo at all”.

My plan backfired obviously, but not in the way I expected it to backfire. He was silent the whole time I spoke, and then when I was done, out of his mouth came only 4 words: Kaya natin ‘to, anak. That’s where it all changed. I could’ve taken the beating, the scolding, the coldness, the banishment if needed, but that, what he said, that just broke me down into a tiny million fucking pieces. It was the most selfless thing I had ever heard my father say. I saw the look of disappointment in his eyes. They wouldn’t meet mine because I suppose he was so ashamed of what his daughter had become. His daughter whom he thought had so much potential, whom he was convinced would succeed in anything she wanted to be if she just put her mind to it. He could’ve grieved his daughter’s supposedly awesome career. And yet, he grieved with me. He struggled with me. He chose to encourage me, to love me, to be there for me and not go against me even when I was wrong.

Then that was it. I pursued Dentistry. I couldn’t leave knowing that my father was walking me through it. He wasn’t going to back down. He was going to struggle and fight his way through adversity after adversity just to get me through college. And because I knew, that even if I was crawling on the ground and having the hardest damn time of my life, my father would be right beside me, cheering me on and saying, Kaya natin ‘to, anak. I eventually came to love my course. I came to realize that this career I took is not about me, it’s about the people I’m doing this for. It’s about letting go and just trusting someone else that this is the right thing to do because they know better than you. To me, it was about honoring my dad’s word, and eventually making it my own.

You know, my dad taught me so many things, but the greatest thing I ever learned from him was that he will always be there for me. No matter what. Even if I make the worst decisions in my life. Even if I act rude. Even if I disobey his word. Even now, that he’s left this life and gone up to heaven. Even when not having him around anymore feels exactly like deep, deep carabao shit.

He’s never gonna stop being there for me.

Oh, What a Ride

2015: Highlights

  1. Started my 2015 with my family by my side. It’s always been our family’s tradition to spend the New Year complete.
  2. Thesis defense for our Research class. I definitely forgot the title of our research but we did a damn good job on that one.
  3. My birthday! I was greeted with eggs, obviously. It was messy and gross but definitely a memory I’ll keep forever.
  4. Our first dental mission as a class in Sta. Mesa, Manila
  5. Stopover with BCF/Area 2 family before surfing and dining in La Union
  6. Family bonding in Azure Residences!
  7. Dental mission with Human Nature + Toothbrush Movement team
  8. Baler ❤
  9. Watching the UAAP Cheerdance Competition and then dinner with the Bison family
  10. Arts Correlative with the bestie and PSB schoolies

Successes – What am I most proud of from my achievements in 2015? What did I enjoy most?

I’m really proud of my academic work, even if I sort of “lacked” in the Clinical department. I still worked really hard to get high marks in my subjects. I liked treating my patients outside the clinic (it’s a lot less stressful because you don’t have to watch over your shoulder for terror instructors) and well… this is a really weird thing to say but, I enjoyed preparing and studying for exams. There were times during our internship in EAMC where I engaged with the patients and talked about the importance of oral health with them. I also felt particularly good about myself whenever I had to create powerpoint presentations, writing papers, and other various projects for school.

Disappointments – What regrets do I have? What opportunity did I pass up? What would I have done differently?

I failed miserably in the Clinics. I had so many opportunities to work but I didn’t. I regret giving up instead of fighting to finish my requirements. I failed at getting back into shape. I lost friends. I failed at organization. I should have worked in the clinic more. I wish I’d attended more dental missions and spent less time sulking at home. I regret not exercising or dieting. I wish I made better use of my time and stopped worrying so much.

Goals – What is the status of my goals?

1. To have a healthy body. ★☆☆☆☆ Failed miserably this year. There was one time when I did the No Carbs challenge but it only lasted for four (or three?) weeks. I also tried doing the T-25 workout but stopped after 7 days. Not enough! I still don’t sleep early, don’t eat enough fruits and veggies, and don’t drink enough water.

2. Long-term goal: To become a Registered Dentist by 2017. ★★☆☆☆ I got delayed again by one semester because I didn’t finish my Clinic III requirements. Hopefully I’m still able to graduate next year. I HAVE TO.

3. To write more. ★★★☆☆ I think I’ve done a fair share of writing and posting on this blog, but it’s still the same old crap. I need to explore more topics. I wrote once about dentistry so that’s cool. I wanna continue doing that, as well as creative writing.

4. To be more culturally adept. ★★★★☆ Read a few books, watched a ton of movies this year! Wala yata akong pinalampas. Attended art gallery screenings and spoken word events. Got to visit Batangas, Baler, La Union, and Laguna (for a dental mission) this year. I think that’s enough “culture” for one year.

5. To handle money well. ★☆☆☆☆ No such luck. ABSOLUTE FAIL.

6. To feel “prettier”. ★★☆☆☆ Um.. I still swear. I did learn how to apply makeup better and NOW TRY MY BEST to strictly follow my skincare routine. I started really late into the year though.

5. To be happier, in all aspects. ★★☆☆☆ I need to keep writing a thank-you note for each day. I also think I tried making myself TOO HAPPY this year. Puro ME, ME, ME. I have been very self-absorbed. 😦

6. To be more like myself. ★★★★★ I believe I stayed true to myself this year. Learned my Myers-Briggs personality type and I’m staying as loyal to it as possible.

Favorites

  • Favorite book – P.S. To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han
  • Favorite movie – Can’t decide between Inside Out, Furious 7, Magic Mike
  • Favorite series – How To Get Away with Murder, Orphan Black and Empire
  • Favorite date place – Chubby Yakitori
  • Favorite guilty pleasure – Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough from Baskin Robbins
  • Favorite moment w/ friends – That moment nung hindi ako iniwan. chos
  • Favorite getaway – Nasugbu, Batangas
  • Favorite makeup bargain – ELF Primer and Landmark kabuki brush
  • Favorite stationery – MUJI pens

Self-assessment – What new things did I discover about myself? What new skills did I acquire? Which of my personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year? 

I learned that I can love without limits. HAHAHA. I learned how to use Photoshop (just the basics!), curl my eyelashes, embraced the allure of lipstick, attempted a few DIY things and learned how to bullet journal. I learned how to perfectly balance my introversion and extroversion. I enjoy spending time alone but am perfectly comfortable making new friends. I can also make baluktot whenever maiiksi ang kumot, like I have no trouble adjusting to heavy traffic, hellish commutes and pouring rain.

Case in point: Rode the PNR all by myself during the summer and walked all the way from Ayala Avenue (Glorietta) to Dela Rosa, Buendia (our condo) IN THE MIDST OF A FREAKING STORM SURGE.

What advice would I give my early-2015 self if I could?

Never stay stagnant. Always be on the move! Before doing something, think: Is this going to be helpful, or will it dampen my productivity?

Lessons – What lessons did I learn?

That some relationships are temporary. You must treat everyone with respect and kindness, but don’t feel bad when they disappear. Some people are just not meant to be in your life forever.

You are never in control of the situation but you can always choose how to react. Always stay positive, no matter how dark or dreary things seem to be. Don’t forget to pray. Prayer reminds you that God is in control.

Lastly, planning is everything. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

For what am I particularly grateful?

I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned thus far, for my family who stick by me through everything, for my friends who love me no matter what, for the blessings in disguise, for the experiences that only made me stronger, and for all the better things that are yet to come.

How am I different this year than last?

Aside from gaining more life experience, I think I might have matured, but maybe in the little things. I think last year, I wasn’t this stressed or sad, and I never really felt comfortable being alone until this year. Maybe it has something to do with being okay with people leaving, hahaha. I’m more careful now with whom to trust, and I don’t easily open up to people the way I did last year. But hey, I’m still very approachable! Um.. I’ve also become more self-conscious. I put a bit more effort into the way I look now, haha.

I didn’t want to admit this but I kind of lost touch with God this year, I kept trying to do things on my own without checking in with Him. I’m more worldly now  (ugh, I hate that word) than I ever was, and I hope in the few remaining days of this year I tap deeper into our relationship as I realign my values and reflect on my perspectives for the year ahead.

— MY 2016

What do I want the overarching theme for MY 2016 to be?

CONSISTENCY + TIME MANAGEMENT

What do I want to see, discover, explore?

Already planning a ton of events with my friends such as trekking in Masungi Georeserve, attending the Hot Air Balloon Festival in Pampanga, beach bumming in Puerto Prinsesa in Palawan. I also want to participate in more dental missions, get myself more involved in the Clinic

Who do I want to spend more time with in 2016?

Patients! Lord, bless me with kasipagan, please?

What skills do I want to learn, improve or master? Which personal quality do I want to develop or strengthen?

Of course my dentistry skills. I must master the art of CD (Complete Dentures) and everything Prostho-related! I want to be more loving, caring, patient, and thoughtful towards others as well as less mindful of what others say about me, less angry all the time, and ALWAYS organized.

What do I want my everyday life to be like?

I want my everyday life to feel like I am doing something productive, and if not, like I am contributing something good to the nation. I want to look forward to everyday inspired and encouraged, and end them contented, happy and grateful.

What old habits would I like to release? What new habits would I like to cultivate?

All habits of sluggishness and procrastinating. Replace them with better organization skills, healthier food choices, exercising more often. I want to stop swearing and replace this habit with writing thank-you notes for each curse word I make or donating to a swear jar.

What do I want to achieve career-wise?

No doubt, graduation! And then Board Exam!

How do I want to remember the year 2016 when I look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?

I want to remember my 2016 as the year when I FINALLY LET GO OF EVERYTHING THAT HINDERED ME TO REACH MY FULL POTENTIAL AS A DENTIST lol

What is my number one goal for 2016?

GRADUATION

Gifts guys don’t deserve

…. yet we give them anyway. *sigh* Why are we so kind? HAHAHA

Hello! I’m excited to show you my second (probably last?) gift guide for this “love-giving” season. Y’know, give love on Christmas day…?? Let’s dive right into it naaaa coz I’m corny when I’m sleepy.

guys

Is it just me or are guys just super hard to shop gifts for? First of all.. Guy shit is so expensive! Can someone explain to me why everything has to be twice the cost compared to girls’ stuff? Second, SOME guys are SO MAARTE when it comes to normal, everyday routine stuff. I’m talking about shoes, shirts, pants (SERIOUSLY… PANTS/JEANS! HUHUHU). My boys do NOT wear sneaker brands they don’t recognize. And the only ones they recognize are hella expensive! Ano ba. But there’s good news! Guys will appreciate anything you give them. They probably won’t use it or show it off but they’ll appreciate the thought that you even bothered getting them anything at all. Bonus points for you if you get them something they actually like. Anyway, eto na talaga.

1. For the generic “fuccboi” – We all have at least one of them in the friendship circle/family/as a paasa crush. LOL. Button-down shirt from any store really. This one’s Anchored from Closet by Basics

2. For your scruffy lumbersexual – My kind of BAE. Beard Balm from The Bearded Gent Philippines

3. For the cool um… fanboy?Star Wars Duvet Covers from J.Crew. I have no idea how to get these shipped here but… it just looks really cool, okay?

4. For the guy who loves the beachRayban Clubmaster Classic from Zalora. I may have used one for girls on this collage though, sorry. (shh.. it’s on my wishlist)

5. For the distraught, neurotic sweetheartSh** I Gotta F**king Get Done Notebook from Cool Material the bomb dot com!! Don’t worry, if he doesn’t like it, you can always get it for yourself 😉

6. For the man who smokes in styleSkull Zippo lighter from Cool Material

7. For the friend with a secret sweet tooth3-Bar Gift Box from Theo and Philo Chocolates. Foolproof!

8. For the yuppie/caffeine addictDon’t F**king Procrastinate Mug from GFDA

9. For the gent who still loves to party – Spicebomb Gift Set from Viktor & Rolf

10. For the backpack travelerPack and Tote from Harpoon. Uggggghhh… Perfection!! Get yourself one too para “Couple Goals“. HAHA

Hehe. Sorry about the outdated/wrong links. Google search nyo nalang guys! Must go to sleep na huhu. Stay tuned for my wishlist or the stuff I actually bought as presents to people. Jk, I’m so broke right now. Goodnight!

Of gift guides and Photoshop

So for the past few weeks, I’ve been obsessing about how I’ll be spending my holidays — Christmas shopping, gift-giving, you know.. as if I can afford it — and since I can’t actually buy everyone the presents I want them to have… I’m making a gift guide to help you guys out, those who actually can afford to buy people presents but are clueless as to what to get them.

First of all, look what I made! I finally attempted learning how to use Photoshop just for this, and I tell you.. it was AWFUL. I spent like a week just trying to get the basics down – meaning open photoshop + open photos + create new file – and probably 2 days to finish this roundup. MAD NOOB SKILLZ, BRO.

whew!

So obviously this gift guide is intended for the LADIES. It may seem totally biased and kind of like WHAT I WOULD GIVE MYSELF this Christmas (and it is, actually) but trust me! This roundup is foolproof. The key is to figure out to whom do you give which. (Sorry, grammar nazis, it is 6am in the morning and my brain cells are super fried.)

**grabbed all these photos from the Beauty MNL website 🙂

  1. For the Tita who travels on business – Pastel Stripes Scarf from Luxe Studio
  2. For the kikay who likes matte things – Kiss Kiss Lip Scrub from TONY MOLY
  3. For your Mom na laging stressed sa work eh –  Gold 24K Snail Cream from TONY MOLY
  4. For the budding makeup artist of the barkada – Chic 12-Piece Brush Set from DASHE COSMETICS
  5. For the crush you’re dying to hold hands with – Elsa Ring from LUXE STUDIO
  6. For the girlfriend who deserves it (but just can’t afford it) *clears throat, makes papansin* OR for the boss that’s hard to please – Lip Colour from TORY BURCH
  7. For the beauty junkie who loves to experiment – 4-Color Magnetic Palette from SUESH
  8. For the fashionista who poses for OOTDs like a star – Half Pint (Chintz Rose) from BRIT STITCH

And that’s it for the ladies. I have so many more gift ideas for guys and girls who aren’t into the “usual girly stuff”. Hopefully I get to work on my collage-making skills quicker so that I may post them in time, haha! But right now, I have to get McGriddle cakes for me and my brother (perks of staying up all night is that you get to eat breakfast early!) See ya!

Apologies

I will not apologize for answering your calls on the first ring. Your needs always come first, no matter how small.

I will not apologize for getting you cute socks or shirts that I know you’ll like, or bringing pizza over to your place. I love seeing you smile.

I will not apologize for letting you go out whenever you want. I know you always come back home somehow.

I will not apologize for getting mad at you when you don’t text. It’s the worrying that drives me nuts.

I will not apologize for missing class just because I want to spend more time with you. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate in class since I’ll be thinking of you anyway.

I will not apologize for cancelling dinner dates with my brother because you’d rather I join you and your family for dinner. I like assuming your family cares about me too.

I will not apologize for letting you sleep throughout the day because I know you were hungover the night before. I hate how you get all cranky and annoyed at the little things when you don’t get enough shuteye.

I will not apologize for practically dragging you out of bed early in the morning because of errands and appointments that simply cannot wait.

I will not apologize for coming with you when you unwind and drink beer with friends and just have a good time. I thought you didn’t mind me being there with you.

I will not apologize for getting mad at you when it’s late and you still don’t want to go home because the party isn’t over. It isn’t my fault to see that you are already so drunk off your ass and barely able to walk.

I will not apologize for telling you you’ve had enough drinks, even it means embarrassing you in front of your friends.

I will not apologize for tending to your wounds because you enjoy pulling off crazy stunts when you’re drunk like climbing onto railings and jumping off of buildings or falling off bikes.

I will not apologize for crying on our way home because I do not deserve to be taking care of a thirty-plus-year-old child.

I will not apologize for dropping by your place everyday just to check if you’re still alive, drunk or sober.

I will not apologize for paying for your cigarettes, hair wax, beer, cab fare, whatever.

I will not apologize for losing my friends because being with you enough for me.

I will not apologize for acting like a bitch when you tell me you’re going drinking again. Everyday.

I will not apologize for cutting your ears off by nagging and telling you the same things over and over. I will never understand why you just won’t listen to me.

I will not apologize for only wanting what is best for you, even if that means forgetting what’s best for me.

I will not apologize for being a worrisome, clingy girlfriend. I will not apologize if that rubs off on you the wrong way.

I will not apologize for loving you way, too, much.

I will apologize to myself however, for thinking you couldn’t live without me, and for realizing now just how clearly mistaken I was.

Last Sembreak *fingers crossed*!

**Actually fingers crossed while sobbing hysterically because I’m that desperate (to graduate)**

First off, why are my friends not blogging? Has everyone been living great lives out there no one even bothered updating their readers (a.k.a. me)? I get my motivation from them and feed off on their efforts so… THAT’S WHY I HAVEN’T BEEN BLOGGING. Kidding. Honestly, I haven’t really set time aside for myself to just sit in a corner and quietly think about all the things that have been going on with me so far. So pardon the unorganized train of thought and the haphazard way I’ll be writing, I might not even have the patience to go back and edit this properly when I’m done (ranting).

So since my odontectomy I’ve grown WIIIIIDE again, because one week of eating no solids only made me binge eat them once I was able to. I swear.. it is not a pretty sight HUHUHUHU. And then the semester ended. I didn’t finish all my requirements for Clinic 3 (not like I was trying really hard though, I kind of gave up when I learned about the “new” regulations), I was however satisfied with my GWA (except for this one subject where I have reason to believe the professor hates my genius ass because she failed me for no reason. Like srsly, I passed my prelim-midterm-final exams plus she was being all nice to me! TRAITOR) Spent two weeks of sem break at home. Never once went out of town for a mission or getaway sesh or even just a simple roadtrip. I’d like to believe I was “thrifting” or at least was trying to be thrifty because let’s face it, I’ve been spending lots of dough living in Manila anyway. Sorry about the raaaaants. My life has been pretty boring so far. But here comes another semester and I have another chance to start anew so… I hope I won’t waste it? I wish it were my last but I’m afraid it still isn’t. Whatever. Just gonna try and coast my way through this semester and EXCEL. God help me. Let’s just all hope for the best!

Just a few photos of how my sembreak looked:

p.s. I intend to make an ACTUAL PLAN for this semester! Just need to watch a few more youtube videos on “planning” and “mapping” to get into THAT HYPE! Hahaha. See you in a couple months! I mean, weeks! Or days :p

What’s an Odontectomy? and other questions

If you’re just like my parents who honestly had no clue what I meant when I said I was getting an odontectomy, then you might want to keep reading. Hint: It has something to do with teeth.

So many of my classmates (and basically anyone who’s struggled in Dental School) has complained time and time again about how laypeople just don’t understand why we take so much offense when we get asked the question: “When will you graduate?” followed by, “Dent lang yan, ba’t ka nagtatagal dyan?”. If you’ve said this to my face, know you are number 1 on my enemy list. The reason behind this is because Dentistry is just so goddamn hard. I don’t wanna bore you with all my rants so instead, I’ve decided to write bits and bobs about my own dental school experience (the exclusive behind the scenes from hell). Let’s begin!

As I’ve mentioned, I just had my odontectomy procedure done yesterday. An odontectomy is basically the surgical removal of impacted teeth. In my case, I had my impacted right mandibular third molar removed. (Don’t worry, I’ll break this down for you!) An impacted tooth is a tooth that failed to erupt within its expected time of eruption. You know how when all our baby teeth fall out and then we get a new set of teeth that sometimes look way too wonky when they’re all jammed inside our mouth like that? Well.. our teeth are made to come out one by one, all within the right time, and with the right positions. That’s just how teeth are. However, sometimes our teeth become impacted, meaning they don’t come out at all, and they stay hidden beneath bone and gums and sometimes even our teeth. Why? One of the reasons for this is because they’re malpositioned, or they’re facing in a different direction.

image2_w

See that tooth that’s kind of lying down and “kissing” the tooth beside it? My impacted molar looked something like that. If it were positioned the same way as all of the other teeth in front of it, it would come out into the mouth normally just like everyone else. But it was naughty and thought it was different from all the others, so I had to banish it from its peaceful state. Sidenote: All my third molars are impacted. So yeah, I have three other teeth to banish. You ask, is it really necessary to have them removed though? My mom didn’t think so; her exact words were “Sayang, ang tibay pa naman ng ngipin mo!“. Sure, I had perfectly strong teeth, but the impacted teeth needed to go because of the following reasons:

  1. They take up too much space. If they decide to erupt, they’ll move out in the wrong direction and kissing my other teeth don’t mean a good thing. They hurt like a bitch.
  2. They might cause periodontal disease, caries, pericoronitis, odontogenic cysts, etc. Basically, they might cause a lot of other dental problems. That aren’t really good for your health.
  3. They interfere with orthodontic treatment. If you’ve gone to a dentist to have your teeth aligned, chances are they’ve already suggested having your impacted teeth removed.
  4. Contrary to their nickname, they don’t give you wisdom. If you’ve got four other perfectly healthy molars each on your upper and lower arch, then you probably don’t really need them.

You’re supposed to expect them to erupt by ages 17-21. If they haven’t, suspect that you’ve got some impacted teeth hiding somewhere. Ask to have a panoramic radiograph taken. Now that you’ve considered getting odontectomies yourselves, here’s a general look into what the dentist does during the procedure:

Impacted-Wisdom-Teeth-Removal

  1. Top right picture: After you’re heavily sedated — I’m kidding!!– once your anesthesia kicks in, the dentist creates a flap by incising your gingiva aka your gums (pink) separating it from bone (white with tiny holes)
  2. Bottom left: Before your tooth is drilled into sections, the dentist removes some bone covering your tooth so that he/she can easily visualize or see it come out. Once sufficient bone is reduced, the dentist is able to section your tooth and take it out piece by piece. Here’s a fun fact for you: Your tooth is never actually “pulled out”, but is rather loosened from the socket (with elevators) and the socket surrounding it is expanded (with forceps) in order for it to come out without any actual pulling!!
  3. Bottom right: Once your impacted tooth has been removed, the socket (you know, the hole where your tooth used to be) is cleaned with a periapical curette and filed so there are no sharp edges. It is then irrigated with normal saline solution to make sure no infections occur afterwards (v. important!). The dentist then puts the flap back in place and closes it with sutures (stitches!).

And voila, there you have it! The time it takes to perform a surgery like this varies. Mine took around an hour but I’ve seen experienced dentists finish in only 10 minutes. Talk about Surgeon Goals! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my mini-presentation. I feel bad ’cause I won’t be able to present my own case (because I wasn’t able to perform odontectomy on a patient) in time for class so I guess this serves as a consolation. Hahaha. Tell me about your own experience if you’ve already had this done! Was it good or bad? And here’s to more dentistry posts in the future! See ya!